Moonlighting

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Overheard in Uber:

Woman, into phone: “You don’t treat me right.   You keep thinking I’m disposable, but I’m not.  I cannot be flushed. I will circle your bowl, bitch.”

Second woman: “Are you the Dykestalker?”

“She needs to know how I feel. She doesn’t understand the sincerity of my emotions. I’m clogging her toilet.”

“But every time she tinkles, there’s your face ….”

“Deep down, she wants to know I’m there for her.”

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Lugubrious Armenian: “This the best of Glendale.”

“Where to?”

“This the very best. Not like down there. Much better people up here.”

“Do you have an address?”

“Just go straight.”

“I can’t go straight. That would put us over the embankment. Left or right?”

“Straight!”

“We need to enter an address.”

“I hired you, so you drive. I tell you where to go. I say you go straight, you go straight. That’s the way it works.”

“I’m going to go left.  Maybe you’ll see a familiar landmark.”

Into phone: ‘My Uber driver is lost. Two minutes and already he’s lost.”

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“How long do mushrooms last?”

“Five hours, I think.”

“No way! I can’t do this for five hours. I have curfew.”

“Do you think I giggled too much when I was getting out of the pool?   I do that when I get nervous.  Why did I have to ask him to bring me a towel like that? Do you think he thought I was being bitchy and stupid, our do you think he thought I was cute?”

“Do you want Doritos?”

“Tell me I was cute.”

“Do you want Doritos or the guac chips?”

“Now you’re freaking me out. You HAVE TO TELL ME I WAS CUTE.”

“Why am I the one going in? I don’t even have the munchies yet.”

“I’m texting C. She’ll tell me the truth.”

“I can’t do five hours of this.  My parents will have to put my brain in an institution.”

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“Bro, just get me to work by midnight.”

2 thoughts on “Moonlighting”

  1. but, oh, I would have liked to have had that Armenian in a class. Lost, just lost. How could it be otherwise?

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