Van Nuys, Rebranded

The city of Cleveland, which has lost half its population since 1970, once known as “the mistake by the lake” and the famed location of Ten Cent Beer Night has hired branding experts to promote its virtues to the outside world, New Urbanist style. The sales pitch they arrived at was “World-class experiences without the world-class ego”.   

Well, hell. We could do that right here. If any place could use a re-brand, it is our lovely working-class Brigadoon in The Nuys. It makes for a good drinking game.

The first slogan which came to mind was: Van Nuys, not a damn thing wrong with it! which had the irascible defensiveness of a man defending his love for a forgotten brand of cheap beer.
Alternately, there is always the appeal to Low Expectations:
Van Nuys: Affordable, not cheap.
You know what you’re getting.
Van Nuys: Good enough!
Or passive-aggressive aspiration:
You’ll feel prettier here.
Half the house, half the commute.
Do more with less. 
Ironic:
Who said Hollywood doesn’t have a stepsister?
Futurist:
Back to the streetcar.
Bitter:
Skid Row without the juice bars.
Sardonic:
Millennial prices without the gentrification.
Obscure:
Free yourself of memory sickness. (Mrs. U didn’t get it either)
Misdirection:
Fifty food trucks can’t be wrong.
Convenience:
Here, be comfortable with yourself.
Bold:
The next Highland Park!  (I stand by this, btw)
Alliterative:
Dollar stores and Dialysis, Payday Lending and Palm Trees
Comparative:
Cleveland, without the weather.
A call to action:
Look beyond the hedge.
Simplicity:
That’s right. Van Nuys, motherf@$#%*r.

That was fun.

5 thoughts on “Van Nuys, Rebranded”

  1. “…..That was fun…..”

    Also the funniest thing I have so far read this year. (Though to be fair, the year is young…=)

    Looking at the Cleveland bridge, with its imposing paired columns, its architectural flourishes and bas-relief, I couldn’t help but think —this was done by an aspirational people. As if to proclaim “We are building a great civilization here! Take note”! Even Van Nuys’ auxiliary City Hall tower (1932), standing tall and proud over the new houses and walnut groves in the middle of the Valley, makes a similar claim on the future. And to be honest – you just don’t see that any more. A LEED certification is as far as we reach.

    As to Van Nuys being the next Highland Park…you may be right, in the fullness of time. My sense is that Money, having spiffed up just about everything worth spiffing up in Pasadena, looked around and said: “OK……now where do we go next?” And Highland Park, having quietly slumbered since the days of the Red Cars, fit the bill. I suppose a lot of it is Downtown resurgence as well, which explains Los Feliz and Silver Lake. Money will take note when the 101/Ventura Blvd. Corridor is fully spiffed. And Van Nuys STILL retains some good bones.

    1. Looking at the Cleveland bridge, with its imposing paired columns, its architectural flourishes and bas-relief, I couldn’t help but think —this was done by an aspirational people. As if to proclaim “We are building a great civilization here! Take note”! Even Van Nuys’ auxiliary City Hall tower (1932), standing tall and proud over the new houses and walnut groves in the middle of the Valley, makes a similar claim on the future. And to be honest – you just don’t see that any more. A LEED certification is as far as we reach.
      This! Thank you for making the architectural connection I failed to see first time around.

  2. So… I’ve been mulling a peculiar thought lately. What if someday – decades from now – a new generation looks back at the Carpeteria, Jiffy Lube, and dingbat apartments of Van Nuys and says, “Wow! These architectural gems speak so clearly of a society that really knew where it was going.” Weirder things have happened. A century ago who would have guessed old concrete warehouses along the industrial rail yards would be inhabited by lawyers and investment bankers who frequent nearby boutique restaurants and night clubs?

  3. I remember “Cleveland’s a plum,” late 70’s or early 80’s. Never got it, although the logo was suitably ugly. My father explained, “New York’s the Big Apple, but–”

    Sums up Cleveland pretty well, I think. “At least we’re not Detroit! We’re not Detroit!”

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